Batman NES

 

I am the bat. Or, just the person controlling some blue pixels neatly arranged.

It depends on when you learned about Batman that will taint your view on what kind of hero he is or should be. Those that grew up reading of him in the comics will have their views of him being a poorly-dressed, sometimes extreme, detective. Those that watched Adam West running around in bad leggings will see a more campy version of Batman while there's those that saw the Tim Burton films, later becoming the crazy train of disaster in the Batman, Batman returns, Batman Forever and Batman & Robin (and more people) films. Alternatively there's those that prefer the animated series of Batman and the various twists and turns that one takes or even the more recent Bateman (think about the spelling and reference... there you go) with the Nolan, Dark Knight trilogy.

Some will see him as the dark avenger that goes almost to extremes but not killing people. Others will remember him killing quite a few characters and such depending upon which film you watch. (The "Tim Burton" Batman has him bombing buildings filled with mooks, hurling a large ganger down a tower in the first film and attaching bombs to clowns in the second film, so much for the "never kills" approach). Others will see him as a prick in a bat outfit and cape pretending to act scary while chasing around a clown, a midget and an annoying rhyming twat dressed in green that has an affinity to specific syntax symbols. And some dick called Egghead.

Because if he went out in the sun he'd explode with that skin pigment

So in keeping with this in mind, the NES game of Batman runs with the idea and notion that we're sort of following the first Tim Burton film where Michael Keaton and Jack Nicholson go toe-to-toe, or more appropriately, Keaton looks dark and moody in the background while Jack gets to go crazy apeshit nuts and steal all the limelight and lines. Which is the best part of the movie if I'm going to be honest there.

What wonders are we treated to in our little endeavour then? A roving plot of betrayal, revenge, development and love interest shoe-horned into 90mins told ... oh yeah, 8-Bit graphics... Could be a problem. Well how about an interactive movie... 8-Bit I know I know... fuck it let's make a platform game. Mario did it well so we should be able to too, right? Short answer "Yes... but" long answer "keep reading".

Wall jumping at its finest. Though seriously, you need to learn this skill, fast.

What we have is a fairly standard platformer without the ability to jump on people. In truth, most of the time you'll be punching things. All manner of villains and machines (yep, I do recall seeing jet packers and flame-throwing TANKS in caves, in the film. Remember that part where Batman was in a factory and had to punch out a computer that controlled laser cannons and spread shot fireballs? Me neither.

I do love the artist license...

He's got a jet pack and spread shots. I've got fists. This is no contest for me.

Batman, who does look rather much like Batman in this game, is a rather nimble little minx in that not only can he run, jump, punch and shoot an assortment of weapons such as the limited range but fairly damaging batarang, a rocket gun with long range and very precise, and a triple shot flaming disc set, but he can also manage to do what a lot of other platforms never implemented, wall jumping. Yes out caped-crusader can leap up against a wall and leap off the side of it to gain higher heights. You WILL need this skill through the game and stage 1: level 2 has a lovely moment to test this out or taking the harder route that doesn't require wall jumps, while the approach to the 3rd boss and almost all of the penultimate level, needs the player to be very well versed in the technique. Eventually it becomes second nature to the player once the timing is fully realised.

Destroying enemies will have them drop one of three things, health (unless you're on full health), bonus points, or ammo points. Each weapon uses ammo points and you're limited to 99 of them. Batarangs taking one point, gun taking two and flaming discs that go through things takes 3. I can honestly say I only ever needed the batarang as it does multiple damage to things the longer it stays in them and can stun-lock most enemies (and some bosses). Otherwise punch it.

Yes, I remember this in the film... no... wait, no I don't at ALL. But it's not too tough anyway.

The stages follow some... attempt at sticking to the film. There's your "cleaning up the streets" level, the chemical factory level, a series of caves... I don't know with that one, is it supposed to be the sewers under the bat-cave or something? Fucked if I know. The museum (which has more guns and weapons and the most aggressive and high-tech boss security system I've seen and I'm including next doors Doberman in that). Then finally the Bell(end) Tower which requires some of the most pixel-perfect timing I've witnessed in a game to just get to the top and then fight the bosses before Joker himself (who looks about 10 ft tall and casts lightning... the hell?) shows up to be punched out by midget Batman.

Interestingly, before each stage and after the final boss, there's a "replay" of scenes from the film, some looking impressively well drawn or photographed from the film, which gives the game a little more of a positive correlation with the movie, up to and including where Batman throws the Joker off the bell tower... Even though in the movie he died from being caught on a line between a gargoyle, his leg and a ladder he couldn't hold onto. Again, artist license I suppose.

Words cannot express how awesome this car is... and then the machineguns pop out!

Batman himself, responds fairly well to most commands by the player. It's just the wall-jumping that can lead to some fairly annoying moments of sustaining damage. While the levels themselves are fairly well designed and all look rather dark and gritty, in keeping with the original Burton film to be honest. It's another "Move to game" game that actually does fairly well as a game by itself but completely bollocks up the plot and structure, but then (and I have to be fair here) few films could be turned into relevant games that still keep people interested. (IDEA: Titanic The Game, where you find creative ways to kill Leonardo Di Caprio by dropping an Ocean Liner on him)

The weapons seem more like a drop-in feature rather than actually planning them, except for the batarang. The gun and shuriken's... likely added because there wasn't much range in the batarangs use and some people didn't want to punch out a tank. But let's face this idea for a moment. PUNCH a TANK to DEATH. I want to see MORE of this kind of thinking please. Though the addition of extra weapons seems all the more awkward when you have to use the "X" button to change your attack option from BATMAN to 'rangs, guns and shurikens, while the other pauses. Perhaps more a limitation of the controller in this particular regard but the actual use of weapons and their lack of requirement to BE used, leads me to believe it's not something in the original design of the game.

This is a ninja. I have no idea if he does anything as I've never seen him attack. You will never see him again after this point.

Unlike several platformers I've already reviewed on this site, Batman delivers hand-over-fist when it comes to the music. Each track is distinct from the others in the ensemble and each is recognisable and will soon have you mumbling along to the tune while playing the game. They add to the atmosphere of the game and the quick pace of play rather than detract from it and are a welcome positive element to the overall presentation of the game itself.

There is little in the game that makes me dislike it. Though the difficulty curve becomes a brick wall (literally) in the final levels and really tests the mettle of any player. Bosses are rather formulaic and working out the patter quickly allows for you to exploit and destroy with gusto, especially when you realise there are certain points and places that most bosses cannot hit you with their attacks. Even the 3rd boss, and he's a real shit if you can't work out the safe spots (hint: wall jump and batarangs, seriously).

First in line for punching out tanks? Me.

However, the game is cursed by the demon of repetition. Every enemy is at a key point in the level and going back slightly and returning will respawn that enemy. Which is nice if it's a gangster that runs at you, not so nice if it's a flame tank and disastrous if it's one of those leaping things you find in the sewers. (You will know what I'm talking about if you've seen it, which reminds me, when were THOSE in the first film?)

It's an interesting and fun game, which are the key things to remember in the making and design of any game. You could do far, FAR worse with many other games out there and should be able to get quite a bit of challenge and enjoyment from this one.

Monopoly C64

The board shown, the players ready, the boredom can begin!

 

It's that family gathering time, when you've got several people around, you've got full stomachs and there nothing on TV that nobody really wants to watch. Then someone, with usually the best intentions, thinks of playing the most dreaded of social activities, the board game. So now you're stuck reading the rules for the first half an hour, those too drunk to play properly will be messing about and trying to shove the playing dice up their nose and everyone else keeps looking at their watches and trying to make an excuse to go home.

And one prick always takes it far too seriously and always somehow has a dictionary on hand to spell all those 2 letter words while another person plays ONLY by their deviant rules. So to celebrate this bullshittery, I'm reviewing Monopoly on C64. You may hate me later, or now, I don't really care either way.

At least the names are accurate for the players.

There's a distinct advantage to having a board game on a computer. You never lose the Old Kent Road down the back of the couch, or find the missing hotel with your bare feet sometime later that week causing you to curse the day that someone decided that injection plastic moulding was a good idea.

You've your usual 6 player maximum in this game, you can also start the short game where several properties are divvied up and given to players while you could also go in for the long haul. Dice rolling takes place first of all to decide who goes first, then the game begins properly with the order ordained by chance itself and it's then a race to buy up stuff and make other people give you their hard(maybe) won money when they accidentally roll a random outcome that lands on your stuff.

Auctions usually are high octane, cash vs thrill, places of excitement. Nobody thought to include that in this game.

Each player starts with £1500 and can move around the board after rolling two die, upon landing on a property they can purchase it if there's enough funds in their account (if they want to) or they can witness it going up for auction with the other players (and themselves included) where the bidding can become really stupid or low level.

If money becomes a problem, they can mortgage their properties and gain cash back from that but they lose the chance to gain rent from their possessions until they pay 110% of the price again. If a player cannot pay off a debt, they go bankrupt and are out of the game.

While moving around the board, players can land on Chance and Community Chest where various events will take place that can either help or hinder the player, or do nothing at all such as the "Pay for repairs on houses" if they own no houses at that point.

Nobody likes Dave enough to give him a nickname.

That's the general gist of the game, the C64 version managed to replicate this rather well. The board is clearly visible at all times, characters and colours of all things can be changed to suit the players however they deem necessary. So if they don't want a black car, they can change it to anything at all, even the colour of the board to just REALLY confuse things. The screen also shows where they are on a zoomed in view of the game while also showing the next 3 spaces so they can see the lay of the land in a closer point. Credit and Assets are easily viewable at all times but pressing the corresponding key to view them, as is for showing who owns what. Collection of rent is optional, as long as someone presses R to collect rent otherwise it's ignored though the AI NEVER forgets to.

It's when the game gets into things like trading and such that the pace of it all slows to a crawl. The menu is slow already on the C64 and moving around and checking things can be time consuming for the human players while AI can make the same offer EVERY SINGLE TURN until they get what they want to have. Usually they'll never settle if someone's going to gain a full set unless you pay roughly double the value so there's little way to trade things or play favourites.

Whoo, people have bought things. Hooray. Why am I putting myself through this?

Likewise the game grinds to a halt when it comes down to avoid bankruptcy and the players are usually too fed up to carry on playing

The game does have snippets of sound, dice rolling makes a noise not too dissimilar to a dice rolling. Train stations sound a little like a steam engine making some noise, being sent to jail (directly to jail, do not pass go) gives you a wonderfully wailing siren noise but no due process for being told of the crime committed and so on. Which doesn't help the game at all, being that it's rather slow in the first place, when it gets bogged down with extra things and issues that aren't helping the flow or pace of the game, it's easy to get fed up with the system and decide that once one person hits the idea of bankruptcy, that it's time to switch off and play something else.

Bitchtit bought a station, I can barely contain myself.

Something fun. Because this is clearly not it. The real shame is that I cannot pick the board up and smack someone over the head with it, and the C64 keyboard combo runs the risk of me actually breaking the machine. So that's not an option.

Board games on computers are usually not a good idea unless it's developed JUST for the computer in the first place or is a play-by-post game. 

The button to switch the whole thing, will never be far from your mind.

Super Mario Brothers 2

REDdy for the new characters? I wasn't.

Ok, let's get the geek wank out of the way by me saying that this Super Mario Brothers 2. I don't want to hear the usual crap of people blathering out that the game is actually "Doki Doki Panic" of which I don't care. Nor do I care that it's not "The true Super Mario Brothers" known as the Lost Levels. Even more do I not care that this game was sold back to Japan as Super Mario 2 USA and basically was Doki Doki Panic being re-painted and resold... as a game already released and sold in the first place.

Actually, all hats off to Nintendo for selling the same thing twice and broken teeth for everyone who didn't realise at the time that this would be an ongoing pattern of selling us the same game again. "Oh hello Zelda franchise, another Hook shot you say? Another fucking water temple too you say? Well come take another fifty notes out of my sky-rocket while I roll out the barrel, drop my trousers to my ankles and hand you the hot spice lube"

Rant over. (yeah, right...)

Get used to this enemy, you'll see him... her... it, a lot.

Let's take a look at what we have. It's a completely different engine of a game compared to Super Mario Brothers and if you're expecting more than go play the Lost Levels or perhaps a Kaizo Mario level... Please post up a video of you playing it on your first run through though. We'll happily laugh at your misery. For those still here, this is a game that takes a very different approach to the original game. Though do remember, it's a sprite swap of a game.

First a start, you can select one of four characters each with their own stats in jumping, running while holding something, and one can float. Your characters main methods of attack is to pick stuff up and throw it at something else. This includes most enemies in the game, jump on it (But... That kills things??? No, prick, it doesn't) and you can ride it around like you've hi-jacked an old aged pensioner until you decided to hoist it up over your head and turn it into a projectile of death, or it gets thrown to the ground, rights itself upright and resumes attempting to be a pain in your arse.

Taking a tip from the TARDIS, some pots and routes are deceptive large.

That is your Modus Operandi for this game, pick stuff up and lob it. Though don't throw the baby out with the bath water just yet. As a game it's very bright, very colourful and certainly a lot more visually appealing than the original was. The controls are more responsive than the original and movement can catch players off guard if they're used to the formers almost sluggish acceleration compared to this. Unless you're Luigi, in which case welcome to inertia and make friends with it. Mario is your average man, Luigi the high-jumper with slippy shoes on, Toad the plucky strongman and Princess being the weakest but can float over ravines.

The more interesting facet of this game is that there's usually more than one way in which to beat a level. Some ways are more obvious than others while whole sections can be by-passed by abusing high jumping with a leaping enemy you're riding on, or using the floater to navigate annoying ledges and back under them to warp pipes and such.

Yep... Whales. With spouts and blowholes. Having a whale of time here.

There's a lot more the weapons and inventory to play around with it this game. You start with 2 health points and can gather more IF you a) find a magic potion, b) drop it to make a magic door, c) hope the dark world that houses coins underground, has a magic mushroom you can pick up to boost your HP by a point FOR THAT LEVEL ALONE. On top of that, if you pick up 5 healthy veggies, you get a time stopper, grabbing 5 cherries grants you an invincibility star and there's other items from Shells that you can ride and kill enemies (watch for jumping ones though) keys to unlock door (and likely get chased the whole time) and items like rockets that take you ahead in the level.

From the first screen, you'll notice this game scrolls in the 4 main compass directions. Which then leads into the problem in some levels where you don't know where the bottom of the level is leading to the death-pits. Because the screen doesn't scroll unless you're near the bottom of where you can see, so by that point, it's usually too late to do anything about stopping your descent and you get a nice life to vanish.

Level over! So everyone sodded off for a while and a bird's head was rather surprised

If you're lucky during a level you might have collected a coin or 14 and get to spin a fruit machine to try and win more lives. Good luck with that, though there is a timing point where you can usually win one or two lives with cherries, and sometimes 5 lives from it. Aside from that, you've a fairly varied game with a steadily increasing challenge though it can feel a little under populated at times for enemies and challenges.

You've your grassy normal lands that tend to mess about in the clouds from time to time, desert levels, ice levels, some underground focus levels, levels with high climbs and long falls. There's less levels than in the original but there's a lot more variety and flavour in the selection rather than having just a large, plain, selection.

The only chance some people will get a life, is here.

Enemies come in many flavours (sick joke avoided there... perhaps) with the usual walkers and runners, leaping enemies, enemies that shoot at you, enemies that are taller and can't be picked up. The puzzles in the game range from getting bomb a to wall b at times while some make you use enemies as a safe-platform in which to navigate over spikes or gaping chasms which can be somewhat jarring if you're not quite used to the fact that landing on enemies here usually doesn't kill them.

Oh and there's Birdo. The odd looking... thing that spits out eggs (at first) and serves as a low-boss for most of the ends of the levels and at the end of each world is one of a few bosses. A rat with shades on that throws bombs, a crab that hurls rocks, a 3-headed snake that gobs fireballs, a large fireball and the final boss. (One surprise boss, but I'll not ruin that). Each boss takes the usual hits before dying and some of the bosses are repeated with slightly different level layouts to make up that thing called "Challenge".

Sometimes it all gets a bit much, or you just can't control the slippery little git.

The music is suitably chirpy enough with enough of catchy snatch of notes here and there that you might be listening to it for a while and be able to recall it quite clearly at times. Though the "danger" music does grate quickly as there's a definite lack of variation to stop the repetition from becoming beyond annoying.

But was there a point to all of this. Yes and no. As a game it stands upright on its hind legs and can walk and squeak with all the other games. As a Mario game it can't exactly be overly criticised as it's brought in a wealth of new characters, enemies and settings to the original that helps expanded the Mario-verse (You know, when he's not a Doctor, or Hotel manager, or Graffiti cleaner or EVER A PLUMBER! Let's see 'Mario puts his hand through shit in the U-Bend to fix a blocked toilet' as something indicative of his profession) and a case can be made in that the game itself has variation, there's a lot of ways to play it and beat it and the addition of multiple, different, characters does give that replayability factor a new breath of life.

She floats, it's handy at times, but usually you won't care enough to play her.

It's an odd one. I want to say I dislike it, but at the same time I also appreciate it. In truth, it's not bad, but it's not great and yet it still will feel at home amongst the games that it shoe-horned its way into with a bit of Miyamoto magic and a paint job on the sprites.